Вы таки будете смеяться, но мы опять про снег и про уборку снега в столице. В Москве, которая получает ежегодный федеральный транш "За исполнение функций столицы", по-прежнему отвратительно убран снег - то есть не убран вовсе. Я поражаюсь, почему еще никто из видеоблогеров не вышел и не заснял всю эту кашицу и неразбериху, которая лежит повсюду - от ЦАО до Свиблово. Кое-кто пока фиксирует этот небывалый позор просто на мобильные, фотодокументирует, так сказать. Но вот я лично, например, проходя по Трубецкому переулку слышал переговоры по мобильному тех, кто за снег отвечает: "Да я позвоню, скажу им, что вы два раза прошли" - вот так эти дармоеды работают!..
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I’m so sorry.
Anatols / Getty Images
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
Actually, maybe I don't want to know the dimensions.
Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had "guests" over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
"My what?"
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
"Wtf is a poop knife?"
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
I'm not married or anything, but if my spouse were using a utensil in the toilet, I'D WANNA KNOW.
NBC
"I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife."
Oxygen
New Line Cinema
NBC
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